These days my life seems to be ruled by frustration. I say this as I type here at home, because whenever I get to an internet connection to blog, everything that I’ve thought about writing slips away from my mind. I love writing, and love language, but I feel incredibly frustrated at how inarticulate I’ve been lately. It seems to come in cycles, this block; I seem to have a week, every so often, when I can actually voice my thoughts, but damn, those weeks have been so scarce it actually really does frighten me.
I’m writing right now, and at this moment everything I say is tinged with the fear that it’s just not going to come out right. Even now, I want to type out how I’ve just sat here for the last two minutes, wondering whether I’m phrasing this sentiment correctly (is that the right word, sentiment? Should I even include this little self-doubt parenthesis break?)
Damn, a young Damon Albarn on MTV. I always thought Blur would win that war. Nothing cuter than a loser with a British accent.
Isn’t it strange how songs always seem to talk about the same subjects, rehashed over and over? Are there really only about 10 themes in the world that people identify with? Does society tell us which themes are acceptable to think about?
I read the other day about a guy who is a pedophile, and how frustrating his life is, because the people that turn him on are little boys – and he is angry with himself because he can’t control it. By satisfying his sexual needs, he would permanently ruin some child’s life. I can’t even imagine frustration like that. To hate yourself and your desires so much. To never want to hurt a child, but to be turned on by something so wrong. I don’t agree with the sexual abuse of a child, don’t get me wrong – I’m just thankful to be turned on by what it is okay to be turned on by.
Okay, so something a little more surface, hmmm? The bank. Working at the bank. I don’t think that writing about it in the way I have violates the security contract I’ve signed, but I think I should probably be careful about what I write, especially to do with the whole fraud episode. I’ve been given a little more responsibility at the bank, to do with drawing enquiries in the mornings before the bank opens, just admin stuff that has to be done. I feel pretty happy that they still trust me there. The teller controller really pushed to get me back there this vac, they were so low on staff but with affirmative action, it was unlikely that they would hire any frontline staff that weren’t black, they were pretty upfront about that. Its okay by me, almost all the managerial staff are white, which I think is pretty messed up, but they were really desperate for staff with experience that they pushed and pushed and finally were told that I could work there. When I signed my employment contract I read the attached email correspondence and the controller mentioned how she knew that my work ethic was good – a bit of a confidence booster right there.
Pretty much the most amazing development towards the whole UK thing (you know, my LIFE?) is that for my graduation/Christmas present, my folks have told me that they will give me my return ticket to London. I feel pretty humbled by it, considering everything they’ve done for me, with University and all, it hasn’t been cheap at all. It kind of negates the whole ‘my thing’-ness of the trip, I had planned to pay for everything by selling Sparky, but I’m not idiot enough to turn something so amazing down, and it would be SUCH an insult to the parentals! I'm uber grateful.
And yes, to be perfectly honest (which I am here, something that makes me more than a little jealous of the setup over here), the frustration does lend itself to other areas of life... shall we say, it's "been a while".
Ten minute think.
What did I just say?
Oh yes. The impending action will be most welcome. Oh, and by impending, I mean MARCH. *sob*
Ah yes, New Years. Characterised by much shooting o' the shit with Charles and his buddies, and ending with a Superhuman Charlie recognising that I should be taken home - I owe the man many a life-saving.
May '05 be as life-altering for you as it promises to be for me. Ciao bella!
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